One significant shift in my mindset last year was the value of community. I undervalued the role that being part of a positive community played in one’s growth as a person.
As someone who spent a lot of her life doing things alone, not asking for help, sorting everything else herself and even calming herself down in the middle of a panic attack, community was the last thing on my mind. I never even really thought about it, apart from the blogging community I was a part of. I took so much pride in doing things alone until one day it hit me. If truly I was meant to do things alone, I would have been the only human being in existence on earth. Thankfully that’s not the case because what would I do alone? I can’t even hold a live chicken!
I know you’re looking at this and wondering why I’m talking about someone to potentially marry. I’m at the age where the marriage question and conversations keep popping up so I figured it wouldn’t hurt to pass that on to you. Also, I went for a bridal shower recently and I was reminded of everything you’re about to read.
How is your heart? It is not an easy question to answer. I was first asked this question while on a phone call with a friend. Frankly, I was taken aback by the question? It is not a typical, “How are you?” that demands “I’m okay” as a response. This question went a lot deeper than that and needed me to actually introspect. When I was asked this question, I was forced to think about how I was really doing, the condition of my emotions and where my mind was in that moment while, of course, not taking too much time because my friend was on the other end of the call, genuinely waiting to hear my answer.
For this week’s blogpost, I thought it would be a good idea for me to bring this question to you. Let’s get a little bit interactive today. I need you to imagine we are in the same room, facing each other and having a very interesting and open conversation. I then ask you how your heart is and you know I really want to know. I offer to go first. Just to allow you to get comfortable. My response is quite personal and vulnerable. Prepare yourself for that.
How Is My Heart?
Quite frankly, my heart today is feeling all sorts of emotions. A part of me is confused, another part is excited, another is afraid and another part is at peace.
My heart is confused because I thought I had figured out “imposter syndrome” until two days ago. I stepped out and did something I had never done before. It was a good thing but right after I was done, I felt like I should have never stepped out in the first place and things would have been better if I just stayed back in my little comfortable corner. I have been feeling like I didn’t deserve the opportunity I was given and I shouldn’t have taken it because it just isn’t for me. My heart today feels like I should just quit the whole thing so that the opportunity never comes up again. I have avoided talking about the experience with anyone. I am, in fact, sharing this for the first time with you. I am actively avoiding any conversation about the same. My heart just feels like I should have never stepped out and I should have never taken that opportunity that was given to me. I didn’t fail, I just shouldn’t have done it. So my heart is confused because I thought I should have dealt with “imposter syndrome” by now.
Another part of my heart feels excited. Excited because of the so many good things that are on the horizon and I KNOW will happen to me. My heart is excited because I know I will be financially independent soon. I’m not right now but I can’t wait to be. That will lift a lot of burdens off my shoulder. My heart feels expectant for the changes I know I am going to experience and my heart feels ready for them.
At the same time, my heart feels afraid. Afraid of what the change will come with. My heart is also afraid of messing up at my job because I recently started working and I have so much to learn. I understand the need to show myself grace and be patient with myself but I just want to know it all now so that I don’t design a structure that could potentially fail due to my miscalculations.
My heart is also afraid that I may destroy a very important relationship because I seem to be making a lot of mistakes these days while at the same time trying to navigate change in the relationship. My heart is afraid of losing that relationship.
Finally, my heart is at peace. I know. It makes no sense as to how I can be feeling all these things but yet be at peace simultaneously. I recently embarked on a journey to rediscover God. I decided to really look into my spiritual life and I’m so glad I did. I have learnt so much about God and the reality of God in my life and everything around me. I am finding peace in the fact that God is good and God can only be good. At the same time, my heart is “unsure” when I think about how this will affect my physical life and the person I am. Regardless, God is always good.
That’s how my heart is. Now tell me;
How Is Your Heart?
You can share your answers with me in the comments section. Allow yourself to be as open and as vulnerable as you can be. It is important to be honest with yourself. Alternatively, you can write your answers in your Journal if you don’t want to share here.
I would love to interact with you and where possible, help you through whatever your heart is going through if you would want that.
This letter might not be as perfect or written as one might expect but I hope you get the ultimate purpose of it.
Well, to start with, I haven’t been in a confirmed relationship since the year 2015 (high school), but I’ve had very few situationships/love phases with different people and to be honest I can only point out one that could have turned into a real relationship, but God has his own plans I believe. So this is just to make you understand that I hope my next girlfriend which is you will be my wife and my forever lover.
Let me tell you a little bit about myself, I’m a musical person and everything musical, works with emotion 90% of the time, so that tells you I’m an emotional person and in relation to what I aspire in a relationship is, number one, a very strong bond, I do not take for granted unlimited attention for each other because I understand and highly respect what we’re working towards in this relationship. I say this because many people in relationships fear to give their partner attention because of their past experiences.
Another thing you should know about me is, I desire for us to respect that communication is key, I know we might come from different backgrounds or have experienced things differently but we should be mature enough to realize that we’re working together, to some extent, it’s okay to put the other first sometimes just for certain things to work. And if you’re gonna be my wife, God has to be the foundation of this, as humans, we’re imperfect, we can’t have everything on point by ourselves but with God, everything flows in a right direction, no matter the season.
I should not be afraid to express my love to you in ways I want to because of the title of being a ‘man’ of which we know how society has its own(unfair, sometimes) way of perceiving a man. I want to love you for free. Let our relationship be ours, no comparisons. Talk to me about your most confidential stuff, feel free to love and trust me. If I can confidently say this, then I know you can count on me because I believe in us.
If you’re the kind to tell me long stories over the phone or in person, I’d enjoy, because I’d know that I have a best friend.
Another thing about me is, I stutter when talking sometimes, it could get bad, especially when I’m anxious or nervous, and even when you see or hear me stutter, it will definitely make you anxious but the worst you can do is try to do is to finish a sentence or a word for me, people that stutter hate that. Stuttering is not a mental nor physical disability lol, it’s just lack of confidence in speech. Other than that, I can get talkative sometimes, sometimes I can talk less.
I’m the kind that would want to relate with your parents and other family members from your end, you with mine too. I wanna be able to reach your parents like they were mine and I want you to be able to reach my mother the same way. If we got married, I want your parents or family members to be able to reach our home whatever time and whenever they want to. I don’t like the ‘typical’ ‘bapongoshi’ Zambian style of family relationships lol.
Coming down to Vision and Destiny, this is the most crucial part in relationships. Vision, I believe is a way God has spoken to us in respective ways to attain HIS ultimate purpose and also to satisfy HIS children and live purposeful lives through gifts and talents they have been blessed with by HIM. It calls for high level sacrifices, people have lost marriages because one decided to follow vision and which could not be the easiest route to take because sometimes success may not happen overnight.
With me, I don’t just want to exist and meet basic life needs, I want to live and live on my passion/ talent/ gift. I may not be the most gifted or talented but there’s definitely room for me in world. I’ve sacrificed everything for my passion which is music.
My vision in simple, I wanna be relevant in the music industry. I’m a drummer, i play few various instruments, I arrange music, I produce music, I can write songs, I can direct pieces of music and shows, I want to be an endorsed musician for legit drum companies, music companies and big musical entities, that’s my passion and what drives me.
I wanna be so relevant in the industry such that I don’t need to bother about how much I make when the time to make big money comes, I wanna be a blessing to the industry, not a competition to anyone, I want to save lives through these gifts by the grace of God, I want to inspire multitudes to the Glory of God. I just want God to show Himself through me.
I try to study, practice everyday and work everyday, to activate my fullest potential and to be the next level. A substantial musician. I get low sometimes, because my dreams seem impossible, looking at where I am and just how life is at the moment, but I trust in God everyday. Every day I get to practice and work, it gratifies my spirit and makes me believe I’ve invested for the future.
I thought I should let the vision known to you so that you understand how much it means to me and that music is what I realized i had and love, when I honestly asked myself “what do I have” when leaving a school campus back in 2019 and that was probably the time school was crazy for me, before I dropped out. I’ve been to two different universities, I didn’t graduate at any nor went passed 2nd year at any but I know I’m not a failure, I have a purpose in life and I’ll give this my all.
My dream is to travel the world doing what I love which involves going on world tours, working all over the world, I may not be in one place, but I definitely want to have a home I go to, I want to have beautiful houses in Zambia and possibly in other countries if possible but Zambia will be my home. I just hope you’ll be able to sit with this. I want to be able to carry you with me when possible, see the world together. Be part of this and experience how it goes, being backstage with me whilst I play to masses, cheering me before a show, if you’re not there in person, we will do long video calls to calm my nerves, be in studio with me when I create magic for people wherever in the world.
In as much as I need you by my side, I want to be by yours too. I want to support your wildest dreams. No matter what it has to take for you to achieve them or where you have to be, in as much as I want you with me, I want me with you too. You have a purpose and I want you to achieve that. It’s above me and it’s above us. It’s about God. We could start projects together for our children and children’s children.
Lastly in as much a man (I) need to be the provider in many obvious things, I want my children not only to inherit material things from me as a father to our beautiful kids, but also to inherit living and thinking above the norm, above how everyone else thinks, above how the world says it should be.
They’ll have callings, visions, gifts and they should see that inspiration first from you as their mother and me as their father and should believe that God makes what seems to be impossible, possible and we should support them in whatever ways we can, because their callings are above us and the earlier the better.
More will be discussed when we actually meet lol.
Love, my future girlfriend/wife.
Your future boyfriend/husband.
The first time I read this, I had no words. Just beautiful. I sure do hope the author meets someone who will share the same vision and love all this about them. If you think this is you, let me know and I can pull some strings for you. What would you like your future partner to know about you? Share in the comments!
With this letter, we officially come to the end of this series. I’m so grateful to all the people who shared their stories with us and allowed themselves to be vulnerable with us. Thanks for reading and engaging.
I’ll be back to posting weekly on the 28th of February!
Dose of Wonani 