Why I’m Still Writing When I Don’t Feel Like It

It is no secret that I have been struggling with writing lately. It takes me a lot longer to come up with what to write about. Previously, I could draft a full body of work in less than 10 minutes but lately it has been taking me days, weeks and even months to come up with something new. This is not because I have run out of things to say or things to write about. I still do have things to write about. A lot actually. The difference between now and then is more to do with how I feel than not having what to write.

What do I mean? I once wrote an essay on the relationship between sadness and creativity. The relationship between the two, I concluded, was that it is easier for me to write when I’m sad compared to when I’m happy. It’s easier to give negative feelings or emotions names. It’s easier to describe them. My vocabulary is quite limited when I have to describe happiness but very wide when I have to describe sadness.

This is not because I have experienced more sadness than joy but maybe because when I feel negative emotions, they overwhelm me and I desperately need an outlet so I’m quick to grab my journal. There are many happy moments I haven’t journaled about simply because writing about them wasn’t coming naturally. Did you know that some of the best or widely recognized creatives did their best work in moments of sadness or depression? Sylvia Plath. Van Gogh. Virginia Wolf. That sucks.

So, because I haven’t been sad for a while and I’m definitely not depressed, I am learning to write from a place of Joy. As I was looking at the themes for the Afrobloggers Winter ABC 2023, I looked at this week in particular and it was about “a spark that makes you, you.” After much thought and debating on whether I will take part in the challenge this year after I failed miserably last year, I decided I would try.

I’m writing today because my spark isn’t sadness or depression. I’m writing because the very first time I wrote, I was happy. That’s the spark I’m choosing to light. The one that believes that even happiness can be written in the most beautiful, artistic and creative way. The spark that believes that my best work won’t come from sadness and the one that believes that we all deserve to be happy. We deserve to be happy and creative.

With that said, I’ll be taking part in the Afrobloggers Winter African Blogging Challenge 2023 (Winter ABC) this year. The idea is to write a post every weekday for the month of June. I’m not 100% sure I will make it through all those days but I will do my best. I’m doing this because one of the times I felt amazing about blogging was the last time I seriously took part in the Winter ABC. There was joy then and there will be joy now.

I will put all posts in this challenge in one place so you can find them whenever you need to. I’m also very excited to read from bloggers old and new. It’s aways fun to see the many different ways one theme can be interpreted.

I will be back tomorrow!

Thanks for reading!
Love,
Wonani Xx

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Looking For God, Finding Self

I decided to go on a journey of re-discovery in the middle of last year. At the time, it was more of re-discovering God and less of rediscovering me. During the process of re-discovering God, I found myself disengaging from things I believed were true about myself, My likes, my dislikes, and overall who I was as a person, My personality began to feel a little strange. I didn’t know if certain things were true anymore. I didn’t pay any mind to that initially because my focus was re-discovering God. The lack of clarity surrounding who I was, at the time, seemed to be a distraction.

How Is Your Heart?

How is your heart? It is not an easy question to answer. I was first asked this question while on a phone call with a friend. Frankly, I was taken aback by the question? It is not a typical, “How are you?” that demands “I’m okay” as a response. This question went a lot deeper than that and needed me to actually introspect. When I was asked this question, I was forced to think about how I was really doing, the condition of my emotions and where my mind was in that moment while, of course, not taking too much time because my friend was on the other end of the call, genuinely waiting to hear my answer.

You Can Also Read: Four Reasons Why You Need To Start Journaling + Tips To Get You Started

For this week’s blogpost, I thought it would be a good idea for me to bring this question to you. Let’s get a little bit interactive today. I need you to imagine we are in the same room, facing each other and having a very interesting and open conversation. I then ask you how your heart is and you know I really want to know. I offer to go first. Just to allow you to get comfortable. My response is quite personal and vulnerable. Prepare yourself for that.

How Is My Heart?

Quite frankly, my heart today is feeling all sorts of emotions. A part of me is confused, another part is excited, another is afraid and another part is at peace.

My heart is confused because I thought I had figured out “imposter syndrome” until two days ago. I stepped out and did something I had never done before. It was a good thing but right after I was done, I felt like I should have never stepped out in the first place and things would have been better if I just stayed back in my little comfortable corner. I have been feeling like I didn’t deserve the opportunity I was given and I shouldn’t have taken it because it just isn’t for me. My heart today feels like I should just quit the whole thing so that the opportunity never comes up again. I have avoided talking about the experience with anyone. I am, in fact, sharing this for the first time with you. I am actively avoiding any conversation about the same. My heart just feels like I should have never stepped out and I should have never taken that opportunity that was given to me. I didn’t fail, I just shouldn’t have done it. So my heart is confused because I thought I should have dealt with “imposter syndrome” by now.

Another part of my heart feels excited. Excited because of the so many good things that are on the horizon and I KNOW will happen to me. My heart is excited because I know I will be financially independent soon. I’m not right now but I can’t wait to be. That will lift a lot of burdens off my shoulder. My heart feels expectant for the changes I know I am going to experience and my heart feels ready for them.

At the same time, my heart feels afraid. Afraid of what the change will come with. My heart is also afraid of messing up at my job because I recently started working and I have so much to learn. I understand the need to show myself grace and be patient with myself but I just want to know it all now so that I don’t design a structure that could potentially fail due to my miscalculations.

My heart is also afraid that I may destroy a very important relationship because I seem to be making a lot of mistakes these days while at the same time trying to navigate change in the relationship. My heart is afraid of losing that relationship.

Finally, my heart is at peace. I know. It makes no sense as to how I can be feeling all these things but yet be at peace simultaneously. I recently embarked on a journey to rediscover God. I decided to really look into my spiritual life and I’m so glad I did. I have learnt so much about God and the reality of God in my life and everything around me. I am finding peace in the fact that God is good and God can only be good. At the same time, my heart is “unsure” when I think about how this will affect my physical life and the person I am. Regardless, God is always good.

That’s how my heart is. Now tell me;

How Is Your Heart?

You can share your answers with me in the comments section. Allow yourself to be as open and as vulnerable as you can be. It is important to be honest with yourself. Alternatively, you can write your answers in your Journal if you don’t want to share here.

I would love to interact with you and where possible, help you through whatever your heart is going through if you would want that.

You Can Also Read: Don’t Forget To Love

Thanks for reading!
Love,
Wonani Xx