Looking For God, Finding Self

I decided to go on a journey of re-discovery in the middle of last year. At the time, it was more of re-discovering God and less of rediscovering me. During the process of re-discovering God, I found myself disengaging from things I believed were true about myself, My likes, my dislikes, and overall who I was as a person, My personality began to feel a little strange. I didn’t know if certain things were true anymore. I didn’t pay any mind to that initially because my focus was re-discovering God. The lack of clarity surrounding who I was, at the time, seemed to be a distraction.

In September, I read a devotional on self-discovery and that was what made me realize I was unknowingly desperate to know myself. Shortly after, I read another devotional on activating your Kingdom identity and one of the chapters had an activity at the end to do with asking yourself how you would describe yourself, how others describe me and how God would describe me. I could easily answer the last two questions but I struggled with the first one. I struggled so much I actually cried. This was the moment that made me realize that I was desperate to know myself.

Coincidentally, in January this year, someone told me that it was time for me to allow God to erase the boundary lines that I had drawn around myself, essentially to put myself in a box (probably a box made of other people’s opinions), let Him show me what was real. I remember crying so much, not out of sadness, but out of realization that God really wanted this for myself.

My journey of re-discovering the Lord led me to wanting to understand myself. It is a journey of looking for God and ending up finding myself. In my pursuit of the Lord, I began to have a really good understanding of what He thought of me and His plans for me. My only issue was His image of me and His plans for me didn’t look like my image of myself and my plans for me. However, understanding and believing that He is my creator, then what He says about me must be true and anything that doesn’t align, false.

With all this said, I’m currently in a place of re-discovering Wonani. While this has not been the easiest thing for me and even the people around me, it is something that has to be done, I’m opting to see myself through the lens that God sees me and just learning who I am. What I like, what I don’t like, etc.

What I’ve come to learn through this is that a lot of times, we allow ourselves to be defined by other people’s perspectives of us. I know I am someone who is extra considerate of what people may be thinking or feeling about something BUT I never realized that this extended to me being considerate of what people think about me. Due to this, if someone told me I didn’t like eating pork, I would eventually agree with that statement and make it a part of who I am.

There are quite a number of things I can think of that became a part of me not because that’s who I really was but because those were external perspectives that I accepted to be true, and eventually embodied. I think sometimes, when we hear the same thing being said about us, over and over again, we eventually get it as the truth, even when it isn’t. This is exactly why we have to be mindful of what voices we allow to influence us and to be aware of what the loudest voice in your ear is at every moment.

An example I can give is me being convinced I disliked people. I was very convinced I didn’t like people or being around people. So many people told me the same thing. I’d go out with people and just be ready to go home to my room where I can be alone. Many people said I disliked people and asked what had been done to me for me to be this person. Even just last week someone was asking me why I “hate” people, based on the fact that I wouldn’t go out with them.

Based on the above, one thing I’ve come to learn about myself is that I actually love hanging out with people. I shared this on my most recent Instagram post. I have come to learn that it was never the social gathering I disliked but rather the company and the activity. I was just going to the wrong places and probably with the wrong people. So it turns out that I enjoy sizeable social hangouts. I still do enjoy my alone time, that’s something I can’t do without but I enjoy being with good company.

I suppose what I’m saying with this post is that we (read I) need to be more aware of what goes on and what is said around us. Is the person you think you are really who you are? Or have you allowed people’s perspectives, thoughts and ideas about you define you?

I’m having a great and honest time letting God show me who I actually am and what parts of me need to change. Some parts are not cute. I’ve learnt that the idea I had of who I was was a lot smaller than what God actually knows. If you’re just like me; a little confused, ask God to show you. Let Him erase those boundaries and show you who you actually are.

Before you click off this post, I’d love for you to answer these questions from the devotional I read. If you’re comfortable, please leave your answers in the comments and we can chat!

1. How would you describe yourself?
2. How would others describe you?
3. How would God describe you?

When you’re done with the three above, answer these:

1. Which description do you agree with the most?
2. Which one are you most influenced by?

Thank you so much for reading! I hope I see you in the comments.

Love,
Wonani Xx

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